Rough Day

So, after Tyler left I fought through sitting and being miserable, and got dressed. I was so frustrated that my day schedule was ruined due to rain. I decided to go to Target to get shower curtain hooks and go to the house. Well, actually, I wanted to go to Kohls, and drove there in the pouring rain to find out they weren't open. Sigh. So I drove over to Target in panic mode, asking for God to support me and get me through the 10 minute shopping trip. He did :) I got through it and went to our house to put it up. This is when things got bad.

I was so sad, I kept crying and crying. I tried to distract myself, but nothing was working. I kept thinking how easy it would be to hurt myself while I'm all alone. And then I would tell myself I can do this, I will not do anything, and would start crying. So I was getting more depressed, nauseous and light-headed from crying! Luckily, I had a therapy appointment to get to.

I arrived at therapy a royal mess, crying and sopping wet from the rain. She asked 'Oh boy, rough morning huh?'. We discussed the severity of my negative self harming thoughts, and she didn't think it was severe enough for hospitalization, since I didn't have a plan or anything. That was nice to hear. She gave me some deep breathing techniques, and discussed getting into a routine. She reminded me this is a process, and I can get through it. She did say that I shouldn't be alone right now, especially if new medications are involved. So right after my appt, I let my husband know and he took off the rest of the week. That was a God send.

I took a whole Xanax and tried to relax. It was hard. I told my husband I loved him, and he could re-marry if I died (I know, this sounds scary even typing it). I fell asleep for 20 minutes and woke up a little upset to the stomach. And then the DR finally called! They decided to put me on Pristiq for depression, and to continue Xanax for anxiety every 6-8hrs. I decided to switch out my Ambien for a natural supplement, Melatonin. So I will start Pristiq tomorrow. They also put me on a nausea med to help ensure I'm eating. Funny thing is, I have to take the nausea medication with food....hmm.

GOOD NEWS! I actually are a full meal for the first time since last Tuesday night. Hubby cooked jumbo shrimp with rice, squash and other veggies. I ate it in a bout 5 seconds and feel better now. Not sure if it was due to the nausea medication I took around 6, or my hubbys good cooking ;)

My husband also did some research about my Mirena implant. Apparently side effects can be triggering depression and anxiety. It seems like most of my panic has gotten worse and depression has started since being on it, so I'm getting it removed this Thursday morning before my next therapy session.

Looks like it may be a rough night adjusting to Melatonin instead of Ambien. It could be an interesting day too, starting another anti-depressant. So, I better go to bed now while I'm feeling tired :) I'll of course give an update tomorrow.