My Panic Attack Journal

       Let me take you back to when my panic attacks starting happening. Both beginning incidents occurred due to alcohol. In August of 2011, I decided to fit in, and drink some hard liquor with my soon to be husband and his parents. I thought; why not try some energy drinks with it. Well, I went to bed at 1am, and woke up with a racing heartbeat at 3 am. I basically crawled to the bathroom at my in-laws house, and laid on the floor. I thought I was going to die, honestly and truly. I brought my phone with me, so I started to look up energy drinks and alcohol. Of course what popped up were the serious side effects. All this did was increase my heart rate and my body started to tingle, get flushed and feel like I needed to have a bowel movement. After no more than 30 minutes I called my fiancé in the next room, knowing he wouldn’t answer. This escalated my heart rate even more. All I could think about was that he would find me dead in his parent’s bathroom in the morning. I thought it was the end of me, so I called his mother a couple rooms down on her phone, and she came to check on me. She asked me if I needed to go to the hospital, and thinking I was dying, I saw yes. So, I was laying there in my underwear, while my mother/father in law and future husband carried me to the car. At the hospital I had to admit I had ‘drank’ too much, and got the embarrassing, condescending looks from the hospital staff. It felt like they weren’t taking me seriously. They hooked me up to a heart monitor, basically said I was fine, gave me a shot and sent me back to my in laws. Thankfully, whatever they gave me, helped me sleep. I woke up thoroughly embarrassed and swearing off alcohol (thinking that was the whole trigger).

Fast forward to October 2011, my bachelorette party with four girlfriends at me house. We had ‘wine tasting and movie night’, since I’m not one to party at the bars. Throughout the night I would go through moments of extreme nauseous where I would spit out my food and run to the bathroom. The day before I had gotten the Mirena IUD, since my soon to be husband and I didn’t want children any time soon. I blamed my ‘spaz out moments’ on the implant and ended the night early thinking I needed more time to recover.

November 12, 2011: my wedding day. The day was going somewhat smoothly, I felt butterflies but didn’t slow down enough to prepare for the ceremony part. Since I’ve never been the center of attention person, I was sort of dreading being in front of 20 people(that's right, just 20!). As everyone went upstairs to sit in their seats, and I was left downstairs with my parents, I started to feel sick. Like throw up sick, not run for the hills sick. I wrote this off as typical pre-wedding jitters, ate a cookie, and walked up to wait to hear my song. As we walked down the aisle, it was perfect, I was happy, with both my parents, seeing my husband waiting for me. As soon as I stood up, reading my vows, I started to feel flush and nausea. I dropped my bouquet and quietly asked the pastor to get me a chair. Of course, everyone else behind us thought I was calling it off, or about to faint. The pastor didn’t understand what I said, and while taking communion I let him know I was going to pass out. He agreed to speed up the ceremony a bit, and it was over in 10 minutes. During pictures I felt better, because I was busy. BUT as soon as we sat to eat, I started to be nauseous again, and couldn’t eat my yummy stuffed pasta. Then came the dance, I took my shoes off and focused solely on my husband only. It was harder during my father-daughter dance. But after that, it was okay until it was over. We had agreed to go out to the bars to meet with everyone who hadn’t been invited to the wedding. I didn’t mention, I was having severe cramps, and did not feel like going out, but sucked it up and went. I was miserable, and wanted to leave right when we got there. I felt I was being so selfish, my husband having fun, my grandparents were there, and all I could do what act happy while trying not to pass out. We ended up going back to the hotel 2 hours after we’d planned, and we went right to bed. I don’t remember having any panic attacks the next day, just that we were both really tired and excited for the honeymoon.

The two weeks following the wedding were not good; in fact, it was the first time I realized what was wrong with me. The first two days of the honeymoon were great, and a little exhausting. Then came the most exciting day, Harry Potter World. Words can’t describe how excited we were to spend the day at Hogwarts, eating from Honeydukes, and wandering around the Forbidden Forest. We initially rode The Harry Potter ride, and I got very nauseous. As we walked through the castle it warned us ‘Those who get motion sickness, do not ride!’. I thought ‘meh, I got this’. I didn’t have it, and almost threw up on poor Harry Potter and his friends. I didn’t feel any better the rest of the day. I believe the excitement at being at my dream destination, mixed with looming panic attacks ruined my day. We went to Ollivanders after the ride, and selected wands, followed by some yummy Butterbeer. We explored Flourish and Blotts, bought some souvenirs, and went to eat. Halfway through the meal, I started getting very nauseous, mixed with cold sweats and pins/needles. I tried to eat (the restaurant even brought us free dessert for being on our honeymoon), but couldn’t. I asked to go to the Red Cross booth to get motion sickness pills.

 So away we went, left Harry Potter world to go to the next door ‘Lost Kingdom’. We walked in the small hospital camouflaged as a hut from Naboo (star wars) and described my issues. First thing they wondered, Are you pregnant?’, my glare was response enough but just in case it wasn’t I answered ‘Not possible’. They let me lie down in the cool dark room for an hour, but still nothing changed. It felt like was hungover, but I hadn’t drank anything. Every time I sat up or moved, the room spun and I’d keel over. I asked my husband to go buy some more souvenirs from HPW, and then we would have to leave.  I couldn’t be wheel chaired to the entrance of the theme park, I was too nauseous, so I marathon walked with my head down the whole mile to the taxi line. I felt instantly better when we got to the hotel, we decided to cancel our plans, and spend the night in watching TV and exploring our hotel grounds.

The next morning was much the same, I made the bus ride to Magical Kingdom, and when I waited in the monstrous line for entry, same side effects hit me. I felt defeated and sadly asked husband to enjoy himself while I went back to the hotel. I couldn’t get there fast enough. I spent the day lying in bed, napping and chowing on left over pizza. The next morning I decided to take a Xanax (reserved for my flights). I didn’t connect it at the time, BUT I had a relatively okay day. I made it to ‘Breaking Dawn:Part 1’ at Downtown Disney and at our reservations. The next day (our last), was tolerable after a Xanax too.

            We made it home and I let my guard down, I thought I was done with sickness, and prepared to go back to work. The night before starting work I had the worse bought of sickness I had thus far. I layed on the ground in the kitchen and asked mom to call 911, I thought I was dying. She just turned off all the lights and the TV, and left me to take deep breaths. I ventured to the couch, took some deep breaths, and started clenching/un-clenching my fists. It passed after 30 minutes. And my mom said the words that changed my life ‘Do you think you’re having panic attacks?’ A light bulb went off, and I immediately said ‘Yes, yes I am’. I was relieved to figure out my problem, but it didn’t make it any better.

                       Since my discovery, I ‘ve had random panic attacks throughout the past 7 months; most at night, some in the morning and most seemingly for no reason. Most of the worst ones have happened since my husband and I bought our first home. I’ve been getting debilitating attacks that make me call in to work sick. These attacks are so painful and terrifying that I’ve asked for the pain to all be taken away, not in a suicidal way, but in a 'This is enough' way. 
                      I've had three major and several minor ones the past three weeks. Major ones include: sensory overload, 'brain on fire', extreme nausea, out of body feeling, hot flashes and cold flashes, and sometimes my body will shake uncontrollably. Minor ones are half that, and I can usually fight through them.

I've gone to the doctor now, after suffering so much this morning I was done. I just wanted them to stop. The doctor I saw, put me on Paxil so I started that today. I am also on Xanax, and have been for awhile now. I also take Ambien at night. I'm nervous because the doctor said my panic may get worse as I adjust to Paxil. Should be an interesting ride.

Feel free to comment and let me know your experiences. :) Help me get through this!