Day 13

It has been a rough day today. I don't know why.

I started out normal. Nothing really different. I took my medication like I usually do. I started to feel fluttery in my chest, which made me start to feel a little anxious. It did go away after a couple minutes. I relaxed a lot, did laundry, dishes, cooked up squash and made tuna salad. Work was very busy. It seemed like I was on the go the entire time. I started out at the middle school, as I was leaving another case manager caught me and said SRS (now DCF) was trying to track me down for one of my clients (oh joy). So on my down time I spent tracking down DCF, and catching up on my notes. My second clients parents weren't home when it was time to drop her off, so that was frustrating. They were 30 minutes late! Then I had to catch up on notes for the rest of the day.

I haven't felt normal the past couple hours. I feel really jittery. My brain feels like its moving 100mph. I also feel extremely photosensitive, and it actually is hard to type this up. I don't like this feeling. My brain feels kind of heavy (weird, right?), but super alert. Ugh. I noticed I haven't eaten enough today either. OOPS, forgot to mention. I stopped taking my nausea medication yesterday to see if I needed it. Well, I think I do. It's hard to eat again. So I took one about an hour ago, and wolfed down a bowl of cheerios (no milk). Well, before m,y brain explodes, or I have a seizure!, I'm gonna check out for the night.

Night beautiful world. I can't wait to write a more positive blog tomorrow!

Day 12 and 13

Sunday was pretty boring...Duke and I went on a walk, and hubby and I went to our house to lay tile the rest of the day. We got all the tile put down, and even grouted 1/4th of it. It was not fun, and super messy. We left part of the grout out too long, and it dried up. Sigh, live and learn I guess. I took a melatonin and Xanax throughout the night. My body is so used to waking up now, it's kind of annoying.

I didn't get out of bed until close to 8am this morning. It felt nice :) I took my medication and went straight to work. I had a pretty busy morning. I went straight to the hospital to see my grandpa. My grandma and I ended up going out for some errands to give gramps some peace and quiet.

I got home and took a nap (gasp!) for 20 minutes and went back to work. It was pretty easy day as far as work goes. I got home and did some chores, then lounged on the couch until bed time. I also took another melatonin and Xanax throughout the night.
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Pretty boring two days! I feel like I'm getting better. One thing I notice, is I'm not having panic attacks all the time! I don't think I've really had one since I've started the medication. I don't feel like I'm in a haze as much either, but it comes and goes. Towards the end of the night seems to be the hardest now. It seems like my body/brain speed up a little bit from 6p-10p. Annoying. 

Day 9-11

Oh wow, I haven't posted in awhile! I've been really busy.
We got some not great news on Day 9 (Thursday). My grandfather broke his leg while trying to wash his car, so of course, my grandma went home to Hill City a day early. They'll both be coming to Salina tomorrow morning (Sunday) for surgery and will stay for at least 6 weeks for physical therapy. :*( Thank God it was only his leg and not his head again.

Thursday night Tyler, Gilda and I went to Bible study, and it was a great night. We discussed obsessions, whether they are healthy and if we are on fire for Jesus. We had a big group and laughed A LOT!

Friday started off okay. I went to work from 9a-1pm, and got caught up on a lot of work. This past work week was okay, a little stressful at times, but I did get to see clients which was nice. I went home and caught on chores (gross) and relaxed. Friday night I had a girls night at Paisleys house, and we watched a super girly movie. It was nice and relaxing :) One of the girls, Amanda, is very pregnant! Her doctor told her she should give birth any second, so we were on high alert for any water breakage...crisis averted, no baby that night!

Today was okay. I had a bridal shower this morning for my BF Casey. I was super nervous being a bridesmaid and all. I went really well :) It was at Martinellis, and was set up beautifully. I got assigned some duties, which I'm fine with, as long as the spotlight wasn't on me! We went dress shopping for her bachelorette in Kansas City this coming weekend. She bought a beautiful one at Dillard. I opted to raid her closet instead of buy a new one. She's a fashionista, so I shouldn't have any trouble finding something. 

I spent the rest of the day doing this and that. We got some Red Lobster for dinner,and I took Duke for a long walk around 7:30pm. Now we're watching (well, really Tyler is) some MMA movie on Netflix. 

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I guess overall the past couple days have been good. I've been getting more and more sleep each night, even if it's only 10 minutes more. I'm still waking up several times a night, but it's easier to go back to sleep. My eating habits have gotten better too. I'm able to actually stomach normal food, and can eat most of the day. 

I LOVED THE RAIN TODAY!

Day 8 on Pristiq

I went to bed even though I wasn't tired last night...............and couldn't sleep. Finally after laying there tossing and turning until 2am, I got up and took a Xanax. It put me to sleep :) I think I woke up a couple times, but eventually rolled out of bed at 7:50am. I felt anxious, and it took a lot of energy to fight it off. I got up and took my regular pills, and went to the couch to eat. I didn't feel 'normal', my heart was racing so I just laid down and concentrated on breathing. I got up, and went outside to play with Duke, and didn't feel better. I took 1/2 Xanax and decided to listen to a 'relaxation/mindfulness training exercise' on my phone. I have to say it did help. I felt more calm, and decided to type on my blog (which I hadn't done in a couple days). Grandma is sewing, and I think I may go mow the lawn :) I might even torture Duke by making him be out there with me.

Day 6 and Day 7

Looks like time got away from me a bit, and I haven't posted in two days!

Monday was good. Still not sleeping well at all.I didn't take anything to sleep, not Melatonin or Xanax. And, I didn't sleep any better or worse than usual!
I just relaxed in the morning, and did some chores while we got ready for grandma to get here. She's coming to stay with us and keep me company while everyone else is at work. I woke up around 7, and took my nausea and Pristiq medications as usual. I was able to eat some breakfast. Before I knew it, it was time to go into work.
Work went okay. I didn't feel little spells of nervousness (or as my therapist calls them 'being uncomfortable'), but I got through them. I figure anyone coming back from a sort of break from work would feel a little uncomfortable. I did paperwork and talked with my supervisor most of the 4 hours, and ended the day with an initial client meeting. Little girl needs a lot of help, but the parents seem engaged which is great!
At home I started to get 'uncomfortable'. I went on a walk, and distracted myself with some projects as best I could, but I think I was anxious for grandma to get here. I took a nausea pill to help me eat dinner, and it sort of worked... She got here around 9pm, and we chatted a bit before bed. I've been reading for 20-30 minutes before bed time out on the couch, then going to bed when I'm ready. I didn't take a Melatonin again, since I usually get to bed just fine, it's staying asleep that is NOT good.
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Well, I woke up at 11:30pm. Sigh. I was wide awake. I didn't even fight it, took a Xanax and woke back up at 3:30am. I fought it and got up around 7:30am for my Pristiq and Nausea. I woke up anxious, which I haven't really in awhile. I was so frustrated that this feeling was back. I can't pinpoint why I was feeling this way (previous day at work, upcoming day at work, therapy appt??). I fought through it and went to therapy at 10am. We discussed the past 5 days, and how Pristiq was going. Obviously Pristiq is working better than Paxil did. I'm not manic, and brain doesn't feel on fire. But the insomnia is still going strong, now getting really any better. She recommended really sticking to my sleep schedule, doing relaxation exercises before bed, and fighting negative statements my brain seems to come up with.
I left feeling okay, not completely better, but okay. I went home and piddled around until lunch time, then went off to work. I had a busy day, met with five clients in 4 hours. I'd say the day went okay, a little rough. I got home feeling hungry, so I jumped on the opportunity and ate leftovers while I felt like it. Grandma and I decided to walk over to my new house, and didn't leave until 7:20pm. It was a good walk, and Grandma didn't realize how long it was going to take. We didn't get home until 9:15pm. :) We walked 4.4 miles! Grandma was tired, but I'm happy we did it.
I felt wired when we got back, not in a good way. I took a cold bath, trying to cool my body down. I decided to take Benadryl before bed ( I used to for allergies), and stayed up to read a little bit.

Day 5 on Pristiq

Good News! I made it through day 5! I would have to say today was the best day I've had.

I didn't sleep very well again, but I guess I'm getting used to that. One of these days it'll catch up with me, while I'm being a crabby pants. I took Melatonin and turned on my music to fall asleep. I started hearing what sounded like a saw against metal and started freaking out! I thought I was seriously hallucinating, until my hubby said he heard it too. We figured it was the air conditioner, but we had it turned off...weird. Anyway, we did fall asleep probably around 11pm. I woke up wide and awake at 12:50am and took my regular Xanax. I woke up again at 4:30am, then again finally at 6:45am.
I are my plums and cereal with Pristiq and my nausea medication. I felt pretty restless this morning, but exhausted at the same time. Pretty uncomfortable feeling. I laid on the couch and waited for it to pass. I finally felt hungry, so I ate another bowl of cereal and even some crackers! It felt good to be kind of lazy, and not be too miserable. To be honest, I didn't get anything at all accomplished this morning. I played on my new Droid Tablet (Thanks Dad and Trina!), and watched more TVD.
 Around 1p I finally got up and around, and headed over to our new house. I had to take a lot of breaks. I still feel like I'm in a haze, so I get dizzy really easily. Doesn't help when I'm already accident prone.

The boys worked on our kitchen/dining room floor. It might not look complicated, but they had a heck of a time getting the pattern figured out. Looks good though :)

I came home around 5:45pm, and took another nausea pill so I could digest some dinner. We took our usual nightly walk with Duke, except he seemed extra lazy tonight. He had knee surgery in July, and is finally healing up. BUT the bunnies in the backyard have learned his weakness, and outrun him every time. 

Anywho, it's about time for bed, and I don't really want to go. Fingers crossed I sleep a little better tonight. Dukes yelling (baying) at me to come inside, better go before the neighbors get upset!

Night beautiful world!

Day 4 on Pristiq

Once I get to day 14, I'll stop using that as a Post Title :)

Today was overall good. I slept until 1am, took my Xanax at 2am, and woke up at 6:15am. I ate a plum and took my Pristiq and nausea pills together. Finished up breakfast with another plum (They rock my world), and a bowl of dry cereal. I felt kind of tired/drowsy, so I just took it easy and laid on the couch. Vampire Diaries kept me entertained for most of the morning. I think I slept maybe 10 minutes off and on. I felt pretty good.

My mom and I did some chores here and there, and went to my new house around 1pm. I felt okay, just had a lot of pressure in my head. It felt like I had 20lbs on my brain stem. It didn't hurt, it was just annoying :) When we got to the house we started doing minor things (putting light switches up, putting cabinet doors back on, pulling weeds, putting on vents). I started to feel drowsy/dizzy/weird around 6pm. I went to lay down, knowing I hadn't eaten anything really all day. Hubbys parents went and got mexican food. I ate a couple bites, and the raw onions burned my nose and throat. I tried to eat some chips, but I just didn't feel like it. It started to feel hard to pick up my feet (getting groggy), so my mom and I left to come home.

And here we are. My head is still cloudy-ish, and I don't think allergies are helping at all. I'm on so many other medications that I haven't been taking anything for allergies. Being outside probably didn't help either :) My plan is to eat some more snap peas (LOVE) and take Mr Duke on a walk. As I type he keeps pawing at me, so cute.

I'm so happy to read over my previous posts and see the progress I've made. This time last week I was pacing, and clenching my jaw. I'm so thankful I'm not having those kinds of reactions right now.

Day 3 on Pristiq

No success with sleep again. I woke up early, and glanced at the clock sometime later. 3:45am. Ugh. I took my Xanax and went to sleep until 7am. (FYI-My therapist recommended I take the Xanax for now while adjusting to Pristiq). I didn't have too much nausea this morning (WINNING), and ate half a banana with my Pristiq and nausea medication. I didn't have too much time to get ready. Tyler went to work, and dropped me off at work on his way at 7:45am. I made some oatmeal and brought it with me. Work was okay. Some nosy people stopped by to see what was wrong with me, but I didn't clue them in on anything. I managed to finish my oatmeal in the 2 hours I was at work.

My dad picked me up and took me on a walk on the levy for 1hr15m. Then of course he dragged me back to Walmart :) We went back to his house and I tried to eat, but really couldn't I didn't feel like it. I made a sandwich and basically tore it to pieces hoping it would be more edible. Nope, it wasn't. I decided to go lay down and watch So You Think You Can Dance (LOVE that show). I think I did fall asleep here and there for a couple minutes. But nothing big. I started getting acid reflux, so I sat up. My body started to feel restless, and I immediately started thinking about getting manic. I fought it, got up and made some popcorn, and managed to eat some of it (With my dads dog Thors help). I decided to get up and join my dad while he watched some old person show on TV. I looked up some Pristiq success stories, and that seemed to help. Some people said they were restless, didn't sleep, but that it'll pass. I just have to hang in there.

My step-mom got home and we talked about some other people in our family that suffer from anxiety and depression. It seemed to help, but I started to feel really anxious. I did take 1/2 Xanax when I started feeling pins/needles. They made some dinner, I actually are all of it! and we watched My Cousin Vinny. My dad made me. He said 'It's a classic' about a million times. lol. It was pretty funny.

I decided to drive home, and that was interesting. I haven't taken my contacts out in, um, forever so I kept having to blink. Decided driving through town might be safer, and now and home in my PJs.

I know tomorrow will probably be full of even more energy and restlessness. I need to accept that as a part of the process of the medication if I want it to help. Here's praying I get a decent night sleep! Hubby is in McPherson for  LAN computer thing, so I get the bed to myself :)

Night Beautiful World :)

Day 2 on Pristiq

Another rough night sleeping. Melatonin was not working, so I took a Xanax halfway through the night. It put me to sleep quickly, so I got probably 4-5hrs of sleep. Which is better than none of course. 

We woke up and got ready for my appt to get Mirena removed. They ensured me that it was much less painful than getting it inserted, but just to be sure I called my pharmacy to make sure I could take 2 Ibuprofen with my medication. I ate some oatmeal (almost all of it!), and took Duke on a very short walk. On the way to the appt and in the waiting room I was getting pretty anxious. Let me tell you how the getting it inserted went-------

Last October I decided to get it instead of taking a pill everyday, and we weren't/aren't ready to have children. I discussed my options and decided on Mirena. The OB/GYN didn't make it seem like a big deal, and said insertion should take less than 15 minutes. I was pretty excited. Until I showed up for the insertion and they asked if I'd taken my pain killers....I let them know I hadn't been told too, and they gave me 800m of Ibuprofen. It only have 15 minutes to work and they were ready. Let's just say it was very painful. Apparently woman who haven't had children aren't typically supposed to get it. Ugh. ------

--------So back to the waiting room, where my body felt clammy and pins and needles were shooting through my body. They called my hubby and I back, and I let them know I was a little nervous. They ensured me it'd be quick and only a little cramping (uh huh). To my surprise, it really didn't hurt at all. Thank goodness. They were pretty convinced it wasn't linked to my anxiety or depression, but 2/10 women develop it after Mirena, and I don't want to take chances.

The rest of the day went okay. I wasn't really nauseous, and was able to eat. I wasn't drowsy anymore, which scared me. I'd rather be drowsy than manic. I felt like I had more energy than before, which made my panic feel like I was getting manic again. I had to try very hard to retrain my brain that it was just extra motivation, NOT mania. Still struggling with that one though.

I went to work, and went to an auction with my mom and hubby afterwards. Nothing interesting there, so we took Duke for a walk, and went to Bible Study. I was so anxious before group, I didn't want to be there. I felt like Satan was trying as hard as he could to get me out of there. It would have been so easy to get up, and leave, but we didn't I fought through it, and we stayed. We discussed being forgiven of our transgressions, and accepting Gods love for ourselves. It was good :) 

We got home late, and I ate some shrimp and veggies. We didn't turn the TV on because I wanted to try as many strategies to get to bed. We took our Melatonin and went to bed. I usually have no trouble falling asleep. 

Day one on Pristiq

So last night before bed I poured myself a cup of 'calming' tea, and took my Melatonin. I fell asleep pretty easily, but was up on and off throughout the night. Didn't find out until this morning that I forgot to take out the coffee filter from our Keurig, so I got coffee in my tea also...oops!

We decided to try to eat something light, then take Duke on walk. I started out with some strawberries(not the best choice) and tried to brush off nausea. I didn't feel the best still. So I took my nausea medication followed by my Pristiq and we left for a walk. I made it most of the way through the walk, while munching on    corn flakes, without feeling anything. As we started towards home I started to feel pretty woozy and dizzy. I didn't like this feeling. I thought, Oh great, here we go again. Hubby noticed I was getting anxious, so he suggested I take a Xanax to calm down. I chose to take half of one, not knowing for sure how all the other medication would affect me.  (My Dr and Pharmacy both confirmed I could take these together). I tried to eat, but didn't even feel like moving. I asked hubby to make fruit/veg smoothies and laid down on the couch. 

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up later with hubby playing video games and my smoothie in the fridge. Yay, I got some sleep! The rest of the morning I did some paperwork for work and watched some TV. I was drowsy all morning, but not anxious really. I would get moments where my heart would start racing, but it would go away. I felt better than any day this past week, so I decided to go into work. Keep in mind I was still super drowsy. I completed some stuff at work, talked with my supervisor and HR, and was ready to go about 2 1/2 hrs later. 

We went to our house, while hubby worked I did little things but still felt super drowsy. I went and laid down in our guest bedroom, tried to relax but didn't sleep at all. Now I'm home relaxing on the couch. I took another nausea pill and 1/2 a Xanax just within the past 30 minutes. I feel less drowsy now, but am starting to get anxious. Pins and needles are starting to fill my hands and my brain feels a little tingly. I'm sure it's my body adjusting to the medication, I just don't like this feeling. 

Anywho, I'm going to go and do something productive. Or just lay here. Not sure yet. :) Thank the Lord for answering my prayers and making today a better day. I pray tomorrow is even better, but I'd take just as good as today.

Rough Day

So, after Tyler left I fought through sitting and being miserable, and got dressed. I was so frustrated that my day schedule was ruined due to rain. I decided to go to Target to get shower curtain hooks and go to the house. Well, actually, I wanted to go to Kohls, and drove there in the pouring rain to find out they weren't open. Sigh. So I drove over to Target in panic mode, asking for God to support me and get me through the 10 minute shopping trip. He did :) I got through it and went to our house to put it up. This is when things got bad.

I was so sad, I kept crying and crying. I tried to distract myself, but nothing was working. I kept thinking how easy it would be to hurt myself while I'm all alone. And then I would tell myself I can do this, I will not do anything, and would start crying. So I was getting more depressed, nauseous and light-headed from crying! Luckily, I had a therapy appointment to get to.

I arrived at therapy a royal mess, crying and sopping wet from the rain. She asked 'Oh boy, rough morning huh?'. We discussed the severity of my negative self harming thoughts, and she didn't think it was severe enough for hospitalization, since I didn't have a plan or anything. That was nice to hear. She gave me some deep breathing techniques, and discussed getting into a routine. She reminded me this is a process, and I can get through it. She did say that I shouldn't be alone right now, especially if new medications are involved. So right after my appt, I let my husband know and he took off the rest of the week. That was a God send.

I took a whole Xanax and tried to relax. It was hard. I told my husband I loved him, and he could re-marry if I died (I know, this sounds scary even typing it). I fell asleep for 20 minutes and woke up a little upset to the stomach. And then the DR finally called! They decided to put me on Pristiq for depression, and to continue Xanax for anxiety every 6-8hrs. I decided to switch out my Ambien for a natural supplement, Melatonin. So I will start Pristiq tomorrow. They also put me on a nausea med to help ensure I'm eating. Funny thing is, I have to take the nausea medication with food....hmm.

GOOD NEWS! I actually are a full meal for the first time since last Tuesday night. Hubby cooked jumbo shrimp with rice, squash and other veggies. I ate it in a bout 5 seconds and feel better now. Not sure if it was due to the nausea medication I took around 6, or my hubbys good cooking ;)

My husband also did some research about my Mirena implant. Apparently side effects can be triggering depression and anxiety. It seems like most of my panic has gotten worse and depression has started since being on it, so I'm getting it removed this Thursday morning before my next therapy session.

Looks like it may be a rough night adjusting to Melatonin instead of Ambien. It could be an interesting day too, starting another anti-depressant. So, I better go to bed now while I'm feeling tired :) I'll of course give an update tomorrow.

New Website

So here I am still sitting here in my rocking chair, waiting for the panic/anxiety to pass. I stumbled across this website as I was searching for help. I read it out loud, and am feeling better. A little better. Still feel like I may throw up :) BUT what's the worst that could happen? I'll have to clean it up before my dog tries to eat it.....gross. lol.

http://www.make-my-christian-life-work.com/anxiety-prayer.html

Change of plans

I'm so thankful for the rain, however it has ruined my plans for the day!

We did wake up at 6am, and I was feeling a little anxious about the day. BUT great news is, I slept from 9:45pm-6am, only waking up a few times. That is progress. We got up, despite my anxiety and started some light yoga. I felt like I was swallowing phlegm the entire morning and it wasn't helping my nausea. We were about 15 minutes in and either the phlegm won, or my anxiety did. All the trainer had to say was shoulder stand time, and I thought 'Nope, not today'! I figured holding my legs up above my head while deep breathing would ensure another Linda Blair moment. I don't feel like cleaning up or tasting throw up again today :) Or at least, not in should stand or plough. If you don't know what those are, look them up.

So I got up, my husband made me oatmeal, which I'm nibbling at like a rabbit for the past hour. I've been drinking water and nibbling at crackers and oatmeal. I took a TUMS, hoping it would help. I'll have to let you know how it goes, since I took it like 10 minutes ago. Meanwhile I have the windows open to smell the rain, and my husband left for work. Now what to do... lol.

Plans for tomorrow

I've decided to come up with a plan on what I will do tomorrow. Hoping this will help decrease my anxiety. I'd like to post it on here, to make me more apt to follow it.

6am-Wake up and do some light stretching with the husband. 

7:15am-Shower, eat, relax

8am-Go to our house to work around our back yard. I'd like to do this while the weather feels nice.

10am-Meet with my therapist to discuss sleep strategies and to sign releases for my Doctor.

10:30am-Go back to work on our house, maybe work a little inside, a little outside. Something to keep me busy. 

12pm-Take Duke on a walk/eat/relax

1pm-3pm Go to my office to do some work at my desk. 

3-4:30pm Relax at home, maybe read or watch some TV. 

4:30-5:30/6 Go on a bike ride with my mom

6-9 Write in my blog, catch up on laundry, relax maybe

9pm start heading to bed.

Sound good? We'll see!

What I am thankful for and/or blessed with

1. God. I cannot imagine getting through this without repairing my relationship with God. I have turned my back on Him the past year. I have assumed I can handle all this, without giving my thanks or praise. I know now, I cannot do this on my own. I have to lift my hands high, and give my pain to Him. Without Him, I cannot do this. Without the verses I have been reading, I would be lost. I am now thirsty for Him again. It is a good feeling.

2. Family:
-My husband has been 100% completely supportive. He has been there to hug,hold,laugh,cry,walk,run,and wait on me this whole past week. I could not ask for a better husband.
-My mother. She has been through this all before. She has been my sounding board when I am convinced I'm dying and when I didn't think I could do this anymore.
-My dad. He has been able to support me in the best way he can. He is the one who pushes me to work through this, and to focus on the future.
-My step-mom. She has also given me advice since she's been through this before also. She's given me options and choices, and best of all, just listened.
-My grandparents. They have opened up my eyes to God once again, and pushed me to realize this is all a test, Satan working to get ahold of me, to get me to lose my faith and give up. They have given me hugs and numerous phone calls just to listen to me while I feel like I'm going crazy.
-New York Auntie. She has made me feel sane while I suffer. She has told me her horror stories, and made me feel like I can get through this.
-My dog Duke. He has been there to snuggle and love me when I need it most. I swear he knows I'm in pain.
-All the other members I'm forgetting who have helped me focus on other things this past week. You also mean the world to me.

3. Friends.
-Gilda. She has also made me feel sane. She has been there to listen and to 'hold my hand' and walk me through this. She has also helped me take baby steps back into my relationship with God. She actually recommended I do this :)
-I'm also thankful for my other friends who have been there to check in on me and listen to me pain.

That is all for now :)

My first day off Paxil

SO. No more Paxil. 

I woke up at 2:30am and took another Xanax. I ate a tiny piece of bread with it and laid back down. I ended up waking up around 5 am, ecstatic that I actually went back to sleep. I dazed out again a little and we finally got out of bed at 7:30am. I felt, okay. Better, but not great. 

I poured a bowl of cereal and ate a couple bits, but started to feel a little anxious. Instead of taking another Xanax, I decided to wait it out. Tyler took the day off to spend with me, since I didn't know how coming off Paxil would be. He came with me to my first therapy appt. I munched on cereal and worked through the nausea. The therapy went well. It was just an intake, so basically paperwork the entire time. She diagnosed me with Panic Disorder, and wants to see me twice a week. She suggested I start taking Prozac and Melatonin instead of Paxil and Ambien. I called my regular doctor to schedule an appt, but still (it's 8pm now) haven't heard back. We went home quickly and my husband made me a shake (banana, blueberries,peach,plum, avocado,yogurt,spinach,water) to try to get something in me. I drank about 24 oz of it, and did not get sick:)

We went and talked to my supervisor, who was very understanding. The plan is I will work 2 hours a day this week, and possibly start half days next week. I've already called all my clients and let them know if may be two more weeks before I see them. It made me feel better leaving work, knowing that it is all taken care of. 

We came home and I laid down to try and sleep while watching some Harry Potter. I did fall asleep for 20 minutes or so, but decided not to fight it and sat up. I got on my work lap top to work and started to get hungry. I heated up some lasagna, and actually ate half of it! I was so proud of myself. I took a half of Xanax and completed some work emails. My mom got home to check on me, and Tyler and I decided to go on a walk. 

We went to a local trail park and walked/climbed around with my puppy Duke. We were there for about 45 minutes and I felt pretty good. My brain still feels like it's in a haze though, weird I know. We got home and I was determined to work my body a little more. I did 45 minutes of XStretch on P90X! I felt panicky several times during it, but kept going. 

When I got done I ate a huge bowl of snap peas, and am now eating some popcorn. I feel a little anxious, but nothing too unbearable. I'm watching Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix while typing this now. Kind of feeling nervous about sleeping tonight. BUT I know, I can do this. I can make it through the negative thoughts and panic attacks. I have to. Once I make it through this, imagine how strong of a person I will be :)

My last day on Paxil

So, a little has changed since my last post 2 days ago. My last post was covering Saturday.

Well Sunday was like I was living in a nightmare. To top it off, it was my birthday. I woke up at 2am, but forced myself to stay in bed. I turned on my meditation music, and tried to focus on it. I ended up sleeping a 1/2 hour here and there. Didn't get out of bed until 6am, which was an accomplishment. I woke up nauseous again, and went for a walk trying to get in a routine. I seemed to be pacing a lot more than usual. It even felt like my brain was being electrocuted, so uncomfortable. I kept clenching my jaw so tightly it was hard to even eat. I tried chewing gum and sucking on jolly ranchers, but nothing worked. It was to the point I could not sit still. I would either stand and rock between legs, or sit in the rocking chair and rock. I felt like I was going crazy.

At 12:30p we went to my aunts for my birthday celebration. I was miserable. Food did not sound or smell appealing to me, it actually made me feel sick. I spent some time talking to everyone while my brain moved 5000mph. I went to the guest room to lay down, but that made me feel worse. I took another Xanax. I went out to eat with everyone. I should clarify, watch everyone eat. They had my fav, lasagna, and ice cream cake, none of which I had. I started crying at the table in front of everyone. I decided to go sit on the couch and try to chew down carrots, which I was able to do! I actually fell asleep for about 30 minutes, but was up and rearing to go again when I woke up. At 6pm, I got home and went immediately for a walk with my dog and husband. I was talking so fast I could hardly understand myself. It felt like my brain was on fire and I had to keep shaking my arms and twitching my fingers. As soon as I got back I took a cold shower and this made me feel worse. I decided I had enough. I called the on call doctor and told her my problems, and started hyperventilating. She said I was experiencing adverse side effects and should stop Paxil immediately. She gave me two options 1. go to the ER, or 2. take a Xanax and breathe into a paper bag. She also said if taking a Xanax every 6 hours did not work, to go to the ER.

So I took a Xanax and started breathing into a bag. It helped temporarily, but my heart started to race again. I went to bed and turned my music on, trying to focus on it. After one hour I still didn't feel well, and was tempted to just give up and go to the ER. But my husband convinced me to ride it out for at least one more hour. I ended up falling asleep!

Day 4

Welp, the Xanax didn't work. I was up at 3:45am, wide awake and alert. I didn't even fight it.  I got up, took 1/2 Xanax, ate some crackers and turned on Netflix. I sipped some water while watching 'Beethoven' the cute puppy movie. I think I did fall asleep for 30-45minutes, and decided to take my Paxil at 6:15am. I was ultra nauseous again, and got up for a walk with my mom. We were gone for nearly 2 hours, it felt nice. We actually ran into my guardian angel that handed me out the note about being prepared to meet Jesus. My mom and I both started crying as we thanked her, that was nice. I didn't throw up!
I didn't really feel well all day to be honest. I kept finding new side effects to freak myself out about (tingly tongue, brain firing, restlessness, twitching). My mom was able to keep me calm most of the time, otherwise I was pacing around the house.
Since my grandparents are in town, we went to my aunts house for dinner. I was nervous, but it went really well. I actually ate two pieces of garlic bread, a bowl of salad and a hot dog bun.  We were there for 4 hours, and I didn't have a panic attack. I started to get anxious on our way home, because I knew morning was coming soon. I took an Ambien and went quickly to sleep.

Day 3 of Medication

I woke up anxious (big shock!) and took my Paxil right at 5am. I tried to go back to sleep, but to no avail, got out of bed at 6:15am. I decided to go ahead and take my Xanax also, since mornings tend to be more rough for me. All this time I was still nauseous, honestly what I would expect morning sickness to be. (Just so we are clear, I am not pregnant and even took tests to make sure). I decided to munch on crackers and trrrryyy to sip my protein shake. I turned on my relaxation music and it didn't seem to help. I heard my husband wake up and decided to pry myself off the couch and jump in the shower with him (sorry to gross anyone out, but we shower together frequently, just to shower promise-like our own little catch up time). I got in and we started chatting, as much as I could feeling sick. I starting brushing my teeth and hit my gag reflex. He just looked at me and said 'Uh oh, are you okay?'. I answered his question be throwing up three times all over his feet. I just looked at him and said 'Okay, I'm done' and got out of the shower.(now I can laugh about this, but at the time I was freaked). I immediately called the on call doctor and told him what was up. Of course my anxiety was freaking out, making me think I was dying and my body was rejecting Paxil. The doctor basically said 'blah blah blah, you didn't eat enough, your body is still adjusting, blah'. He did say to maybe not take the Paxil anymore until I talk to my regular doctor, but I am stubborn so still taking it.
I got off the phone with the Dr and decided to get up and get moving. I took Duke on a walk, and purposely didn't come home until 8:55am, so I wouldn't have to wait for my dad to get me. He showed up at 9am, and off we went to the zoo. To my frustration, it was further away than I remembered ( a whole 20 minute trip). It went well for the most part. It was nice to keep my body moving and walking. My dad kind of understands, as much as he can. When I got home 2 1/2hrs later I decided to try to eat something, and to lay down. This didn't really work, so I decided to clean instead. My body let me know it was exhausted by my tummy growling and getting light-headed, but I just didn't want to stop. I knew as soon as I stopped, I would start to feel sick again(thanks anxiety). Eventually my husband came home for lunch and I stopped moving a little bit. When he left I decided to take 1/2 Xanax and try to lay down. I failed and chose an interesting show (Comic-con documentary), so had to choose The Wedding Planner to actually sleep. I did get a nice 1-1/2 nap in, and woke up hungry and grumpy. My grandparents drove 2 1/2hrs for the weekend (my birthday weekend), and stopped by to look at our house in progress. I was feeling okay. Went home and my husband was 100% convinced I needed a smoothie. So throughout the day I didn't eat enough again, but I can't explain how difficult it is to eat. Instead of taking my Ambien, I wanted to try Xanax, hoping it would decrease my anxiety when I wake up in the morning.

Post 2

Another day waking up with anxiety. This morning I chose not to sit still and let it take over completely. I woke up, really wanting to have one of those old normal feel good mornings, but my anxiety took over, and I started to feel 'blurry'. I ate a small cracker (keep some on my nightstand) took my newly prescribed depression medication, and rolled out of bed. I migrated to the couch as I always do, and turned on my relaxation music. This did not work this time, all I was doing was focusing on my commitments today. My mom came out with a smile but I can see her thinking 'How's she doing, I can't tell'. I fought through it and said, 'Good morning' as chipper as possible. I didn't fool her :) The more I laid down, the worse I felt. I wanted to sleep but I couldn't. I felt/feel nauseous beyond belief and now I have diarrhea, yay. I've read it's from Paxil, so that excited for that part. One of the difficult parts of all this it's hard to eat anything. Nothing sounds good at all, even crackers are hard to eat. Yesterday I did not eat enough at all. So back to my morning. I decided to get up (this was very difficult to do) and get moving. I jumped in the shower, even shaved my legs! When I was done I dreaded sitting back on the couch, so I quickly put my dogs hardness on, grabbed a red plum, and went out the door for a walk. I felt better than laying on the couch. Not much better, but a little. A lady was walking around handing out pamphlets for her church, so I got my little piece of God in this morning :) Duke enjoyed it too. I managed to eat all of my plum, but still felt like I needed to eat more. So I did something risky. I went to Walmart! Might not sound like much, but it was. I even had to stop at the gas station because of course my tank was on E. I was doing okay, except when I walked by the Walmart subway, bleh smelled terrible. I walked right back to where I thought those protein drinks were (was hoping I could drink those in the morning since I can't seem to stomach chewing). And surprise, they weren't there, which made my brain start panicking. i walked around looking, and just finally asked. Of course they were across the store. So I had to make a choice. Bolt for the door before I faint, or suck it up. I sucked it up and got a 12 pack and started to one of the two registers open. I thought about leaving them on the counter and bolting. But I didn't. I got bought them and went straight to my car. I made it!

Now I'm at home again feeling miserable. I took a Xanax and am sipping my Boost. Not feeling good at all. Just nauseous and my brains on fire. I'll write more later!
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And I'm back! I listened to a new app on my Droid called 'Stop Panic and Anxiety'. It has audio tracks that go over panic attacks and relaxation. The panic attack one is to listen to while you having one, the other ones are when you start too feel kind of anxious, or are trying to go to sleep. I listened to the panic attack one, and at first, it was very uncomfortable. It makes you focus on the symptoms (shaky,hot flashes) and then focus on things around yourself that you are in control of. It worked after two times of listening (1 hr).
I then had a meeting with my HR lady, to discuss medical leave whole I adjust to my depression medication. That went well. Then I dropped off some paperwork at my Drs and chose to come home.

I felt okay during the afternoon, mainly layed on the couch. Then aunt came to pick up up for a short trip to just talk (she suffers from the same thing). Then my mom and I went to a movie with my youth group to see Ice Age. We have connections so we get in free.

Now I'm home. I took a Ambien about 16 minutes ago, and it is already working. About ready for bed. This could go either two ways: go to bed with no issues, or have an attack and work through it. At the moment I'm worried about going to the zoo with my dad tomorrow at 9am. Mornings have been rough for me. He said I will be going with him, so im worried i'll feel too sick to go. I  hope and pray I can do it!

I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME

My Panic Attack Journal

       Let me take you back to when my panic attacks starting happening. Both beginning incidents occurred due to alcohol. In August of 2011, I decided to fit in, and drink some hard liquor with my soon to be husband and his parents. I thought; why not try some energy drinks with it. Well, I went to bed at 1am, and woke up with a racing heartbeat at 3 am. I basically crawled to the bathroom at my in-laws house, and laid on the floor. I thought I was going to die, honestly and truly. I brought my phone with me, so I started to look up energy drinks and alcohol. Of course what popped up were the serious side effects. All this did was increase my heart rate and my body started to tingle, get flushed and feel like I needed to have a bowel movement. After no more than 30 minutes I called my fiancé in the next room, knowing he wouldn’t answer. This escalated my heart rate even more. All I could think about was that he would find me dead in his parent’s bathroom in the morning. I thought it was the end of me, so I called his mother a couple rooms down on her phone, and she came to check on me. She asked me if I needed to go to the hospital, and thinking I was dying, I saw yes. So, I was laying there in my underwear, while my mother/father in law and future husband carried me to the car. At the hospital I had to admit I had ‘drank’ too much, and got the embarrassing, condescending looks from the hospital staff. It felt like they weren’t taking me seriously. They hooked me up to a heart monitor, basically said I was fine, gave me a shot and sent me back to my in laws. Thankfully, whatever they gave me, helped me sleep. I woke up thoroughly embarrassed and swearing off alcohol (thinking that was the whole trigger).

Fast forward to October 2011, my bachelorette party with four girlfriends at me house. We had ‘wine tasting and movie night’, since I’m not one to party at the bars. Throughout the night I would go through moments of extreme nauseous where I would spit out my food and run to the bathroom. The day before I had gotten the Mirena IUD, since my soon to be husband and I didn’t want children any time soon. I blamed my ‘spaz out moments’ on the implant and ended the night early thinking I needed more time to recover.

November 12, 2011: my wedding day. The day was going somewhat smoothly, I felt butterflies but didn’t slow down enough to prepare for the ceremony part. Since I’ve never been the center of attention person, I was sort of dreading being in front of 20 people(that's right, just 20!). As everyone went upstairs to sit in their seats, and I was left downstairs with my parents, I started to feel sick. Like throw up sick, not run for the hills sick. I wrote this off as typical pre-wedding jitters, ate a cookie, and walked up to wait to hear my song. As we walked down the aisle, it was perfect, I was happy, with both my parents, seeing my husband waiting for me. As soon as I stood up, reading my vows, I started to feel flush and nausea. I dropped my bouquet and quietly asked the pastor to get me a chair. Of course, everyone else behind us thought I was calling it off, or about to faint. The pastor didn’t understand what I said, and while taking communion I let him know I was going to pass out. He agreed to speed up the ceremony a bit, and it was over in 10 minutes. During pictures I felt better, because I was busy. BUT as soon as we sat to eat, I started to be nauseous again, and couldn’t eat my yummy stuffed pasta. Then came the dance, I took my shoes off and focused solely on my husband only. It was harder during my father-daughter dance. But after that, it was okay until it was over. We had agreed to go out to the bars to meet with everyone who hadn’t been invited to the wedding. I didn’t mention, I was having severe cramps, and did not feel like going out, but sucked it up and went. I was miserable, and wanted to leave right when we got there. I felt I was being so selfish, my husband having fun, my grandparents were there, and all I could do what act happy while trying not to pass out. We ended up going back to the hotel 2 hours after we’d planned, and we went right to bed. I don’t remember having any panic attacks the next day, just that we were both really tired and excited for the honeymoon.

The two weeks following the wedding were not good; in fact, it was the first time I realized what was wrong with me. The first two days of the honeymoon were great, and a little exhausting. Then came the most exciting day, Harry Potter World. Words can’t describe how excited we were to spend the day at Hogwarts, eating from Honeydukes, and wandering around the Forbidden Forest. We initially rode The Harry Potter ride, and I got very nauseous. As we walked through the castle it warned us ‘Those who get motion sickness, do not ride!’. I thought ‘meh, I got this’. I didn’t have it, and almost threw up on poor Harry Potter and his friends. I didn’t feel any better the rest of the day. I believe the excitement at being at my dream destination, mixed with looming panic attacks ruined my day. We went to Ollivanders after the ride, and selected wands, followed by some yummy Butterbeer. We explored Flourish and Blotts, bought some souvenirs, and went to eat. Halfway through the meal, I started getting very nauseous, mixed with cold sweats and pins/needles. I tried to eat (the restaurant even brought us free dessert for being on our honeymoon), but couldn’t. I asked to go to the Red Cross booth to get motion sickness pills.

 So away we went, left Harry Potter world to go to the next door ‘Lost Kingdom’. We walked in the small hospital camouflaged as a hut from Naboo (star wars) and described my issues. First thing they wondered, Are you pregnant?’, my glare was response enough but just in case it wasn’t I answered ‘Not possible’. They let me lie down in the cool dark room for an hour, but still nothing changed. It felt like was hungover, but I hadn’t drank anything. Every time I sat up or moved, the room spun and I’d keel over. I asked my husband to go buy some more souvenirs from HPW, and then we would have to leave.  I couldn’t be wheel chaired to the entrance of the theme park, I was too nauseous, so I marathon walked with my head down the whole mile to the taxi line. I felt instantly better when we got to the hotel, we decided to cancel our plans, and spend the night in watching TV and exploring our hotel grounds.

The next morning was much the same, I made the bus ride to Magical Kingdom, and when I waited in the monstrous line for entry, same side effects hit me. I felt defeated and sadly asked husband to enjoy himself while I went back to the hotel. I couldn’t get there fast enough. I spent the day lying in bed, napping and chowing on left over pizza. The next morning I decided to take a Xanax (reserved for my flights). I didn’t connect it at the time, BUT I had a relatively okay day. I made it to ‘Breaking Dawn:Part 1’ at Downtown Disney and at our reservations. The next day (our last), was tolerable after a Xanax too.

            We made it home and I let my guard down, I thought I was done with sickness, and prepared to go back to work. The night before starting work I had the worse bought of sickness I had thus far. I layed on the ground in the kitchen and asked mom to call 911, I thought I was dying. She just turned off all the lights and the TV, and left me to take deep breaths. I ventured to the couch, took some deep breaths, and started clenching/un-clenching my fists. It passed after 30 minutes. And my mom said the words that changed my life ‘Do you think you’re having panic attacks?’ A light bulb went off, and I immediately said ‘Yes, yes I am’. I was relieved to figure out my problem, but it didn’t make it any better.

                       Since my discovery, I ‘ve had random panic attacks throughout the past 7 months; most at night, some in the morning and most seemingly for no reason. Most of the worst ones have happened since my husband and I bought our first home. I’ve been getting debilitating attacks that make me call in to work sick. These attacks are so painful and terrifying that I’ve asked for the pain to all be taken away, not in a suicidal way, but in a 'This is enough' way. 
                      I've had three major and several minor ones the past three weeks. Major ones include: sensory overload, 'brain on fire', extreme nausea, out of body feeling, hot flashes and cold flashes, and sometimes my body will shake uncontrollably. Minor ones are half that, and I can usually fight through them.

I've gone to the doctor now, after suffering so much this morning I was done. I just wanted them to stop. The doctor I saw, put me on Paxil so I started that today. I am also on Xanax, and have been for awhile now. I also take Ambien at night. I'm nervous because the doctor said my panic may get worse as I adjust to Paxil. Should be an interesting ride.

Feel free to comment and let me know your experiences. :) Help me get through this!