Another day waking up with anxiety. This morning I chose not to sit still and let it take over completely. I woke up, really wanting to have one of those old normal feel good mornings, but my anxiety took over, and I started to feel 'blurry'. I ate a small cracker (keep some on my nightstand) took my newly prescribed depression medication, and rolled out of bed. I migrated to the couch as I always do, and turned on my relaxation music. This did not work this time, all I was doing was focusing on my commitments today. My mom came out with a smile but I can see her thinking 'How's she doing, I can't tell'. I fought through it and said, 'Good morning' as chipper as possible. I didn't fool her :) The more I laid down, the worse I felt. I wanted to sleep but I couldn't. I felt/feel nauseous beyond belief and now I have diarrhea, yay. I've read it's from Paxil, so that excited for that part. One of the difficult parts of all this it's hard to eat anything. Nothing sounds good at all, even crackers are hard to eat. Yesterday I did not eat enough at all. So back to my morning. I decided to get up (this was very difficult to do) and get moving. I jumped in the shower, even shaved my legs! When I was done I dreaded sitting back on the couch, so I quickly put my dogs hardness on, grabbed a red plum, and went out the door for a walk. I felt better than laying on the couch. Not much better, but a little. A lady was walking around handing out pamphlets for her church, so I got my little piece of God in this morning :) Duke enjoyed it too. I managed to eat all of my plum, but still felt like I needed to eat more. So I did something risky. I went to Walmart! Might not sound like much, but it was. I even had to stop at the gas station because of course my tank was on E. I was doing okay, except when I walked by the Walmart subway, bleh smelled terrible. I walked right back to where I thought those protein drinks were (was hoping I could drink those in the morning since I can't seem to stomach chewing). And surprise, they weren't there, which made my brain start panicking. i walked around looking, and just finally asked. Of course they were across the store. So I had to make a choice. Bolt for the door before I faint, or suck it up. I sucked it up and got a 12 pack and started to one of the two registers open. I thought about leaving them on the counter and bolting. But I didn't. I got bought them and went straight to my car. I made it!
Now I'm at home again feeling miserable. I took a Xanax and am sipping my Boost. Not feeling good at all. Just nauseous and my brains on fire. I'll write more later!
----------------------
And I'm back! I listened to a new app on my Droid called 'Stop Panic and Anxiety'. It has audio tracks that go over panic attacks and relaxation. The panic attack one is to listen to while you having one, the other ones are when you start too feel kind of anxious, or are trying to go to sleep. I listened to the panic attack one, and at first, it was very uncomfortable. It makes you focus on the symptoms (shaky,hot flashes) and then focus on things around yourself that you are in control of. It worked after two times of listening (1 hr).
I then had a meeting with my HR lady, to discuss medical leave whole I adjust to my depression medication. That went well. Then I dropped off some paperwork at my Drs and chose to come home.
I felt okay during the afternoon, mainly layed on the couch. Then aunt came to pick up up for a short trip to just talk (she suffers from the same thing). Then my mom and I went to a movie with my youth group to see Ice Age. We have connections so we get in free.
Now I'm home. I took a Ambien about 16 minutes ago, and it is already working. About ready for bed. This could go either two ways: go to bed with no issues, or have an attack and work through it. At the moment I'm worried about going to the zoo with my dad tomorrow at 9am. Mornings have been rough for me. He said I will be going with him, so im worried i'll feel too sick to go. I hope and pray I can do it!
I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME
No comments:
Post a Comment